The Thought

With a tear in my eye, I stopped and stared over the railing.  The thought hit me.  15 floors up on this cruise ship.  I could die at impact when I jump.  If not, how long can I tread water before I sink to the ocean floor?  Will sharks get to me first?  Will the ship stop and throw me a life preserver?  Oh, the shame of the thought of being brought back on board and locked up for my own safety until we arrive back at our home port.  I don’t think I’ll grab it when they throw it.  I shuddered.  The thought of ending it all was back in my brain.  Just like 2010.  What the hell is wrong with me? 

This happened last week.  On a cruise with friends.  Not in my previous life as a non-believer.  Just last week after 9 years of running a ministry.

As this summer comes to a close, I must admit, I feel overwhelmed.  The situations affecting me in my personal, family and ministry life just seem too much to handle sometimes.  It’s like the perfect storm coming together to test me and I am severely failing in dealing with it.  Several family crises have all converged at the same time and a few of those relationships seem too damaged to heal.  I’ve been battling with some very difficult health issues for months.  My little brother died a senseless death just a month ago.  A fellow ministry leader took her life, and the fallout of that tragedy has occupied my mind each day.  My cousin’s nephew was tragically killed in a work accident.  Our ministry has had some challenges the past year and I seem to continue to take on too many burdens trying to save everyone I encounter.   This storm has left me pissed off, heartbroken, stressed, lonely, unsure, guilty, filled with dread, fear and worry.  I’m ready for this season of disdain to just end.  I’ve never felt lonelier in my life.  I just want to crawl in a hole.  You ever feel this way?

Thoughts . . . Should I quit or pause the ministry?  I sometimes feel hypocritical preaching a message of grace when I have so many terrible thoughts running through my mind.  Last week, when all of these situations exploded, I was leading a men’s breakfast with close to 400 in attendance.  After I finished my part and walked off the stage I disappeared into the green room and cried.  I mean, who am I to stand on a stage and encourage others to boldly walk out who they are in Christ, when it’s so damn hard for me to do it?  Oh, those thoughts.  What I would do to those who have hurt me, doubted me, deceived me, left me.  Man, those are tough, and downright dark.  But . . . that one thought, on the ship?  Take the jump and end it all?  Where did that come from?!?!?  (Stay tuned in a paragraph or two to see how the story ends . . . )

If you are squirming while reading this, I know you have struggles with invasive thoughts as well.  Welcome to the club.  And believe me, it’s a large club.

“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ” – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Take every thought captive?  What the heck is Paul talking about?  I mean, in our instant world of decision making how is this possible?  Last week a friend and counselor of mine made this thought very simple for me.  (Yeah, I called him after the thought on the cruise ship exploded my brain.)  He said that all situations in life prompt a thought.  Whether glorious or disastrous.  The situational thought you experience will trigger some type of emotion.  Until you brew on that feeling or emotion that initial thought is simply what it is . . . A THOUGHT, and you have thousands of thoughts per day.  Paul says to capture every thought. Inviting us to examine it for its source before emotions get involved and we react on the emotion or the feeling so many want to focus on.  Never a good idea! 

 “Well, what the heck do I do with this thought now Trey?”   Paul gives us the answer in his letter to the Phillipians. 

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” – Philippians 4:8-9.

How often do we stop, catch our thoughts and then ask ourselves if the thought triggered by that tough situation reflects Paul’s advice?  How often do we truly challenge our thoughts to ensure that they reflect what is true, honorable, just, pure etc?  How often do we react negatively to those thoughts without challenging them through Paul’s advice?   Who have we hurt in those moments when we didn’t do a deep dive into that thought that stirred a feeling of wrath, sadness or desperation?  Friends? Family? Ourselves? 

If we capture and challenge every thought, guess what we can do in Christ?  We can change them.  Jesus tells Paul to not focus on the thorns he screams three times about in 2 Corinthians.  Jesus tells Paul to focus on Him and His Grace.  Why?  Because it’s sufficient for our lives and every thought that may come to us, even in the most strenuous of circumstances.

Now, I did have some help capturing THE THOUGHT at the railing of that cruise ship last week.  In my confusion of the moment, a sweet lady made one statement to me that helped.  As I stared out over that ocean, I heard her voice say as she walked by, “I love your T-shirt!”  I looked down and saw the MPACT Ministries seal on my chest.  She saw our mission statement on the back, DISCOVERING GRACE ONE MAN AT A TIME.  My mind eased.  I prayed.  I knew that thought wasn’t who I am.  I am Christ in Trey now.   It was just, simply, a thought.  That is now gone.  So I think I’ll go get some soft serve and hang out by the pool with my friends instead.  And . . . from now on, I will do what Paul teaches.  I will take every thought captive, and I will think about THESE things.  And when all else fails remember Isaiah’s words.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  - Isaiah 55:8-9

Shoot me an email if you’re struggling with the same things I do.  Let us know how you overcame a thought or obstacle through your identity in Christ.  I’d love to share the hope we have at MPACT.  So, others can have that same HOPE as well.  IN HIM.  No matter what thoughts may come your way.